“But it is cold out there: A glove story” By James JAJAC


Act 1

It was their anniversary today. He couldn’t remember how many years they had been together, he had most certainly not kept track, but he promised her he would take her out to dinner…

“But its cold out there, why can’t we go tomorrow?” he said and she shot him a look that was impatient and bemused but mostly outraged; because it was always something. Well he knew he was beat so he walked into the living room and switched on the lamp, and putting on his coat he noticed his gloves were missing. He’d had them for about eight years, sometimes he thought of them as an old friend. They sure had been through a lot together, he would sure hate to lose them. He spotted them beside the couch and relieved he stooped down to scoop them up and feeling a sharp pain in his lower back; He cried out in pain.

“Your back again?” an old gravely male voice called out. “Yeah, dammit, I can barely-“
He froze, and glanced around- nobody was in the room. There was a brief flash of terror, of either an intruder or well of his own insanity.

“wh-who’s there?”

“doncha know the sound of your own pair of gloves voice when you hear it?” they said slyly.

“hehe hehe, uhhhhhh….well its just that you’ve never spok-“

“BWAAHHAHAHAH I’m just joshin you kiddo, of course you don’t!! I aint never made a peep in all dese years and let me tell you, its been pretty hard to keep this trap shut with a cod fish like you doing the talking, now listen up, I got things I been meanings to tell you- So listen up”

“Honey who are you talking to in there?”

“No one I’m…just…talking…to the fireplace… I mean no one. I’m not talking”

She walks into the room with a concerned look on her face.

“Are you OK? What are you doing on the floor?”

“Who me? On… the floor?”

“Yes you, you’re on the floor. Do you NOT realize that you are on the floor, you are on the floor-- LOOK AT YOUR SELF!!”

“I’m not on the floor—Okay, okay, I AM on the floor. I’m just picking up my gloves.”

“Well, PICK UP YOUR GLOVES AND LET’S GO.”

“Okay, I’m coming”

“If you’re coming then why are you still on the ground?”

“I still have to pick up my gloves”

Her look was pure fire “PICK THEM UP, do it right now”.

“I am”

“You’re not, pick up your gloves”

“I will, I just-I just hurt my back a little”

“Your back again?! Don’t tell me. Please do not tell me you hurt your back picking up your gloves”

“No, yeah, maybe, okay -yeah, I did! I’m so sorry for being hurt!”

“I’ll be out in a minute, please, give me one minute.”

“I’m going to sit in the kitchen. I am turning on the television. If you are not ready to go in five minutes I am going to break a chair over your head.”

“Okay, good!”

She left the room, and he leaned down real low. He whispered hurriedly “okay she’s gone, what is it? What were you going to say?”

“Gloves it’s me. It’s Darrel. Talk to me buddy. I’m all ears. Come in gloves, I am ready to receive any information. Come in. Gloves? Hello? Breaker, breaker, this is Darrel please come in, over. C’mon gloves I only have a few minutes. What were you going to say? I really want to know.”

“Who are you talking to?”

“No one!” He said quickly and stumbling onto his feet he stuffed his now silent gloves into his pocket and apologized to them aloud for the rough treatment, as he rushed toward the door.

“Its okay” she replied comforted that for once he finally thought of her.

Is your back alright?”

“Yeah I’m okay. I’m pretty hungry”.

“Me too, let’s get going”.

And they stepped out in into the cold dark evening.

End of Act 1



Act 2


Hello and welcome to RI-CHI-CHI, do you have a reservation?

Yes it should be listed under “Susan and Darrel”. Were a little late I’m very sorry.

That is perfectly alright ma’am. Can I take your coats?

That would be lovely thank you so much.

And you sir?

No. I …need it.

(whispers)You don’t need it, give him your coat, what are you doing?

No! I need it. I always get cold.

You never get cold! We’re in doors, give him your coat.

It’s not a problem right this way please.

Fine, thank you. He needs his coat he’s very sentimental! It’s our anniversary!

How lovely. Here are your menus. Your waiter will be with you shortly.

(They sit down at their table; Darrel hangs his coat on the back of his chair)

Ahh isn’t this beautiful! I’ve always wanted to eat here.

Yeah me too a little, It’s nice.

Look at the candles, it’s so beautiful.

Candles nice, yes, I like candles.

So… what are you thinking about?

Uhhh…Candles and stuff; I’m a little hungry. Um, I’m gonna go out side for a smoke really quick.

We just got here and you don’t smoke, what are you talking about?

No I do now, I started smoking today.

WHAT?

Okay I didn’t start smoking; I just wanted to get some air.

Some AIR? Since when do you need fresh air? We JUST walked in the door. You’re out of fresh air already? You require “fresh air” now!!??

I don’t know why you’re getting so mad for.

OH you DON’T? You don’t know why I’m getting mad?!

I don’t want any air any more.

YOU DON’T WANT AIR! YOU DO-NOT-WANT -AIR! I will kill you!
Darrel please do not embarrass me on our anniversary. Now you look at your menu you and find something to eat.

Okay! Jeez Susan, you’ve been yelling at me all day.

Oh I have not! I just want today to be special! It is our anniversary and all!

Why couldn’t we just stay home and watch TV?

I’m not even going to answer that. Hmn the duck sounds nice.

A duck?? You’re going to eat a duck in front of me?

Duck happens to be a refined delicacy. What did you want to order?

All this stuff is weird. I’m going to have the jelly fish and lobster lungs.

That is NOT on there, Darrel stop it.

How do I know if I’d like any of this stuff?

Why don’t you just try something new for a change?

Well ok, in that case I think I will try the Steamed Dover Sole, periwinkles, sautéed mizuna, confit potato pearls, sauce "Vin Jaune” to start with. Its only 40 dollars!

That’s not so bad. See it’s fun!

And for dinner I believe I will have the Blue foot chicken, rainbow Swiss chard, black truffles, cooking jus!

Ooh that sounds lovely! Let’s get some wine too!

That’s a great idea! I have a bad job, let’s go nuts! Here look lets get the La Bouge de Cote! Its only 300 dollars! Maybe it will taste like my coat!

You don’t have to be so sarcastic Darrel. I am going to the bath room I will be back in a minute, if the waiter comes order the fish for me and what ever you like, and something to drink!

(He watches her walk down the hall way and he reaches into his coat pockets and slips his gloves on)

It’s me! She’s gone! Talk to me gloves. Talk to me gloves! What is the matter with you? Why would you do this to me? I heard you talking to me! Don’t pretend you weren’t talking to me before because I heard you as clear as day! As clear as fucking day!!! I am sick of this FUCKING game now speak to me or I am going to set you on fire, do you hear me??

Is there a problem sir?

No, she wants fish and I want chicken, and-- and wine. Bring us wine.

Would you like a wine menu?

No I would not. I would like wine that I can drink in a bottle and I’d like you to get it for me thank you.

(Susan comes back)

Darrel what’s wrong?

What?

Why are you wearing those gloves at the table?

My hands are cold.

Oh stop it, what are you talking about.

You really want to know what I’m talking about? You really do? Because I can tell you.

Oh what is it NOW Darrel?

It’s my gloves…They talk to me. MY FUCKING GLOVES TALKED TO ME!!!

End of act 2


Act 3

She stared at him for a very long time. A very cold and watchful stare, she watched every inch of his face with the utmost care searching his face for the truth, searching for the root of the problem, for some tell tale obvious easy to solve problem. She poured into his eyes for some sort of insecurity some kind of deficiency and she found nothing. She looked deep with in herself, took a quick spin around all the usual culprits then stepped back out into the restaurant. She saw his face, she saw the sincerity, the saw the gloves, she saw the waiter, she saw the wine; she sat down.

The waiter poured the wine as they sat in silence, waiting for him to leave, waiting for the words to come.

I wasn’t kidding he said.

She was silent. She was staring at a distant wall. She glanced down at her glass of wine, anticipating oblivion and dreading the blind dumbness of it, she might need her facilities.

He’s telling the truth I’m afraid to say, the gloves said brashly.

Darrel’s eyes nearly burst from his head, he looked to her for recognition, he waited for her to respond!

But her eyes were dull and unresponsive. Cooly she took a drink from her glass of wine. Who the hell asked you any way? This is between me and Darrel so if you don’t mind I’d like you to shut the hell up.

Now there’s no reason to be hostile miss. Ya see earlier today, I wasn’t tinking ya see, and I come right out and start talking. Now that’s none to wise for gloves to start talking to his-

Darrel make him shut up.

Uh Mr. Gloves, stop for a sec.

Sure mack.

Darrel why are your gloves talking to me? Can you tell me that?

Honest I don’t know, I was just-

If you let me finish perhaps I could explain it all away.

I don’t think I’m ready to listen to you yet.

Fair enough sweet heart, you know not many people know this but gloves are very perceptive creatures. I can sense a lot of hostility in you, not unexpected considering—

No. Stop it right now. Take those gloves off. Take them-

Maybe we should just listen, it might be important.

Oh look the food is here! How wonderful! See Darrel, we are having our anniversary dinner and everything is just perfect! Isn’t everything beautiful! If you would just put your gloves down we could enjoy our meals and have the nice romantic evening this is supposed to be.

Yeah but maybe we should just—

PUT YOUR FUCKING GLOVES AWAY YOU INSUFFERABLE FUCKING CHILD!!! She took a deep breath.

The waiters approached the table cautiously placing the plates in front of them.

Thank you, she smiled wiping a tear from her eye, everything looks wonderful!
See how nice everything is! Do you see Darrel?

He nodded blankly watching her frightfully.

Looking at her plate she smiled and sighed. She unfolded the napkin and placed it on her lap. She picked up her cutlery and began to eat her meal.

For fifteen minutes she did not raise her eyes from the plate. She drank her wine and her water and finally she looked up.

She glanced at Darrel and he looked back at her and he waited for anything.

The food was very good. How did you like yours?

It was nice he said. She glanced down at his barely touched plate profoundly disappointed.

I thought you wanted to try something new? You barely touched your food.

I wasn’t hungry.

Don’t you want to know what I thought of mine?

But? How was your food? How was it?

Oh it was just wonderful!

Sue, I think we should go?

But don’t you want to try the dessert? Where’s that waiter?
She waved her arms like she was trying to land a plane.

The waiter rushed right over, concerned, Yes madam is something the matter?

We would like to see the dessert menu please!

As the waiter walked away to fetch them, Susan stood up looking dazed and directionless and walked out of the restaurant.

Darrel jumped up trying to figure out what to deal with first.

The waiter stood across the room with an alarmed expression, frozen with two dessert menus in his hand.

Darrel looked from the door to the waiter twice and clutching his gloves he ran out the door.

He looked in every direction and she was no where to be seen. So he picked a direction and ran.

When he reached the corner he saw her deep in the distance, she was sitting up ahead on some grass. He ran to her and stood before her.

She gazed up at him now completely calm. I’m sorry Darrel I’m don’t think I was ready for this.

Darrel sat down beside her.

They turned to face each other.

The air was quiet and still, cars drove by across the wet pavement, and the leaves rustled in a gentle wind. The moon was obscured by dark clouds.

I’m sorry he said

I’m sorry too, she said

I’m sorry three said the gloves.

He had almost forgot they were there, curled into his chest, he pulled them away and they both looked down at them, a captive audience.

I shouldn’t a opened my mouth at all. I wanted to say I’m sorry. Gloves belong silent, that’s what they teach us, not allotta gloves out there that speak out, I guess they know better. Sometimes you think you can break thru with some people, you think “hey let me give it a go”, sometimes you think you have something interesting to say and it turns out you don’t or your just talking to talk. I never meant to do none of you any harm. I didn’t mean to cause a problem, and I thought I could make it all go away by pretending it never happened. By just remaining silent like I know I ought to be, but it doesn’t work that way and I know that now. I made a mistake and I took the two of you down with me. You think you can let go sometimes and look what happens. I did a terrible thing to you folks tonight and I’m sorry. I never meant to do any one any harm and it tears me down to the fibers to think about it. I am filled up with shame, shame and sorrow, I feel like the worst pair of gloves on earth right now. And you know, if you feel like chucking me into the fireplace when you get home, let me say I wouldn’t be surprised and…it’s nothing I don’t already deserve.

They sat in the quiet of the late night street dumbfounded and in shock; they both felt weak, and sapped of all their strength they leaned against each other. For the first time in years they felt close together.

Face to face now, they gazed into each others eyes, embarrassed and smiling coyly they kissed. The light of the street lamp danced across their tiny figures as it passed thru the rustling leaves of the trees above them. She hugged him and then they stood with shoulders pressed together.

Darrel turned his eyes to the gloves in his hands and they both smiled. With warmth he asked them --But Mr. Gloves what were you going to tell me before?

They both stood waiting in anticipation, wondering what it was that he had to say but this time the gloves remained silent.

They began their walk home, and found them selves deep in conversation.

They wore the gloves, one on each of their hands and their bare hands met and clasped together. They didn’t hear it, because it was so quiet, but the gloves did respond that last time, only they whispered, they whispered so gently and so quietly it would have been almost impossible to hear.

Actually it wasn’t that important at all.

THE END

Theme: Something ridiculous
By James JAJAC


Today when I woke up in stead of exiting thru the door I opted for the window. In my robe and slippers I jumped down onto the street. A moment later a golden limo-zine pulled up and I climbed into thru skylight and we peeled down the street. I stood up on the seat looking out like a tooth pick in a submarine sandwich. We drove down Santa Monica blv and I saw such luminaries as John Belushi (throwing darts at palm trees), Elmo (break dancing on some cardboard), a blue giraffe (juggling knives), a fellow named Harry Buttkiss (wearing a bib with a lobster on it, and crying), two ceiling fans (wrestling each other for the last hersheys kiss), and Don Knotts (the annual dead guy beat box competition). While we were waiting at the light I saw a floating pineapple and I waved at it. He suggested I find a plot rather than just rushing through weird details but the light changed before I could ask him what he meant.

I suppose he meant that in every great story something has to happen, something has to be at stake. I guess it’s a way of mentally rewarding people for the trouble of absorbing so much content. Like a good joke has a good surprise, a good story should tie things together in a surprising and satisfying way. Though contrary to what the pineapple said, I always hear that the best things don’t follow the rules (hmmn).

Then we went limo surfing. You know how it is, it’s all the rage at queens beach. It’s where you put a surf board under each wheel and just hit the waves (I know its so obvious right!). Well were really makin a splash that day, a whole fleet of obese starfish wearing bi focals, pulled up beside us in a raft and started cheering us on! They were all eating tubs of KFC chicken legs and yelling things like “hooray!”, “ole”, “boobles mcgoobles!!” “I love butter”, Shit like that. You know starfish. LOL.

After a while it seemed we had drifted out to sea and I remembered why I was in such a rush to get out of the house that day. I had left a nuclear bomb resting on the roof of a high rise building next to an eagles nest on central park west. I had also forgotten to do my taxes, also on a rooftop, but this one was next to a hawks nest on the lower east side, but in addition to that: I had forgotten about the blind guy I had rented. I had told him to wait for me on top of the Chrysler building. I hate it when this happens. I get distracted sometimes. Oh well.

I figured I would get to all of it eventually.

I called out to the driver: SUBMERGE!!! And the limo dived beneath the surface of the water. There was a fine view of an underwater city, and a totally bitchin’ ice cream parlor. Then I saw an animated sea dragon doing some BMX biking one the aqua ramps for ESPN, it was so cool. It made me wish I was an animated sea dragon, SIGH, dare to dream, dare to dream.

We passed through the ancient city of ‘Sky Village’, this was the former cloud kingdom of DINGDONG 9. It was really pretty but was a complete tourist trap at this point. I bought a postcard and I don’t even know why; I know I’ll never send it. Some how underwater travel began to weigh on me, I started to feel listless and claustrophobic. I spoke into the intercom:

James: Limo driver, if you please, take us back to the top of the sea.

Limo driver: Yes indeed, if you are displeased, back on the surface is where we shall be!

James: Thank you, being under the sea was fine, but I’d sure like to be able to see the sky.

Limo driver: ho ho, hee hee, leave it to me, leave it to me, look out world- here comes a limo-zine!!!

And we rocketed toward the surface breaking thru the water like a sheet of glass, we took off into the sky like a missile. I was pressed back into the seat, and for about 28 seconds I could not stop laughing. Once we hit the clouds we leveled off and began to coast at a normal driving speed.

I remembered the things I had forgotten to do but I had no interest in getting to them. It was as if I had invented them just for the sake of giving my day a sense of urgency. What would be the point of that? It seems like most of the stuff that happens in peoples lives isn’t all that big a deal. Just think how people get so excited about little things, always yelling into their cell phones like the world is going to end because they lost their bag of ‘skittles’ or what ever. I just kinda let my mind wander as the world went drifting by. It is moments like these that I would think: “wow it’s all so surreal”, but is it really? What the heck is so surreal about reality? Mostly it just seems really silly and crushingly ordinary. Maybe it’s a safer bet to just live in a world of fantasy and pretend that nothing exists that you don’t experience first hand. I could rewrite history starting from my bed room window. Nothing else exists, sure it would be indulgent, but whose gonna dig me up to tell me I’m wrong? If the world is full of thieves and murderers how come I’m not dead? Ooh the mini bar has cheddar cheese, awesome!! Maybe I’m just lucky.

The sun was setting out there. I’ve seen it millions of times in photographs but there is never anything like seeing it for real. A photo is just a square (or a rectangle) in real life its every where, all around you, a full 360 degrees of bright orange sunset. I like when the sun turns into a little red dot and slowly disappears. It’s kooky.

I spoke into the intercom:

James: Hello there my man, whats say we slow it down.

Limo driver: Hey hey, all the way, is there some where you want to be?

James: Yes it seems, there are a couple of stops I have to make.

Limo driver: Enter you destination onto the computer screen, and we’ll be there before you can sneeze.

Dot dot beep beep - I pressed enter and the limo took a sharp right, we weaved thru the buildings and drew to a complete stop hovering just above a building. I looked out onto the roof top at the nuclear bomb. It turns out the eagle was a nuclear scientist and had disarmed it and turned it into a barbeque; A family of eagles were seated at a tiny picnic table eating grilled eagle food (what ever that is). I shrugged my shoulders and the limo driver and I shared a laugh.

I crossed “pick up nuclear bomb next to eagles nest” off of my ‘to-do list’.

We launched back through the city, heading down fifth avenue 80 feet off the ground, after a couple of quick turns, we came to a stop.

I rolled down my window to grab the manila envelope with my tax info off of the ledge. I felt a tinge of anxiety knowing that I was probably going to be late getting them in, when a bespeckled hawk seated in a leather recliner beside his nest called out: “Old bean, I saw you had left your taxes here, and I had my accountant put everything in order for you. Chip, chip cheerio and all that.”!

“Wow, that awful kind of you mister hawk, how ever can I repay you?”

“Tish - tosh, no need for that, I’m just doing my part- ‘Be good to others and they shall be good to you’”

I was shocked, I saw the limo driver wipe a hawk shaped tear from his eye; I said thank you again and the hawk just smiled confident cool and hawk like and we rocketed off again to rescue my rented blind man from the roof of the Chrysler building.

Well as we pulled up the first thing I noted was the strobe light, then the sign (also in Braille): “Blind man roof top disco bonanza” there we’re about 3 dozen blind folks getting groovy up there. And to think I worried at all! Note: blind people DO dance with their canes.

I was like:

“DAA-MMN, you blind folk is groovy”,

And they was like:

“Mmm Hmn, We know!”

“Does any body need a ride?” I yelled, but they didn’t even hear me. They were lost in the fever; ‘The blind man rooftop disco bonanza’- fever. I hear it’s catching.

The driver honked twice and we took off again.

Well there were two more off the list

--Pick up taxes next to hawks nest.

--Rescue blind man from perilous rooftop.

That was actually pretty easy. I turned the page over to see if I missed anything.

“Punch a lobster” it said. Fuck that! There’s no way I’m going to punch a lobster. That’s just silly. I crumpled up my list and tossed it into the limo shaped garbage can.



We drifted through the darkened sky with stars bumping against the windows, I think it was time to go home.

He pulled up in front of my abode, and I said thank you and shook the drivers hand. It made my day I told him and then I gave him a million dollars.

As he pulled away a lobster jumped out of the bushes with a switch blade. “I’m going to carve you like a pumpkin” he screamed! With out even thinking I punched him as hard as I could. His body lifted off the ground and he flew threw the air like a kite colliding with a pineapple. The switch blade ran through it and they both hit the ground with a ridiculous “DONK”. It was a grisly scene. Then a baby bear came and ate them both as Don Knotts did his beat box thang (oh c’mon).

As I was climbing back into my window I thought about what the pineapple had said. It was something about a plot and how in every good story something has to happen. I wondered if what he said was true and if what I had done that day fulfilled this bizarre requirement.

I didn’t feel a sense of urgency through it all, and there was definitely not a lot at stake, but I had fun and maybe just maybe that counts for something too.

I climbed into bed and I found that post card in my robe pocket. It made me a little depressed but then I got an idea and laughed. I would send it to that kind hawk. He certainly deserved it. Its fun to mail things, and one good turn deserves another.

The ceiling was white, like the white of my calm and satisfied mind. I felt slightly serene with a few lingering doubts that I had left a few things unresolved. Ahh it doesn’t matter. I can finish it all tomorrow. It’s another day so they say.

THE END