MY FIST FIGHT WITH GOD

When I was 14 years old I was an angry kid. So this one day I was in a big huff, I was a typical teenager walking around with a chip on my shoulder, only I was acting like I had 14 chips off of 14 shoulders. Angry about what you might ask? Well it didn’t take much back then, it could have been anything. When I looked up as I came to the corner, I saw a church before me and I raised my middle finger at the highest steeple and spoke the words “Fuck you god” aloud.

“Yo, I’m sorry what did you say?” a voice boomed from behind me.

I turned and saw sitting on the steps an old man with a long white beard. He was missing teeth he was black and he was drinking a 40. He stood up and swayed and grabbed the railing attempting to not tumble down the stairs and failing, He fell on his head.

“I know you didn’t just say “fuck” to the muther fucking god almighty you white mother fucker” He said as he attempted to stand.

But I was filled with the fury of my own personal teenage oblivion, I held my ground. “You’re damn right I said “FUCK” to god, where is he when we need him? God is a big fat gay fraud. If he was here right now I would brick punch his ass (the act of punching while holding brick)”.

“Now hole on you cracker box chicken heart. You so happen to be speaking to God Hisself, so you bes’ show sum respec’ ya hear me chile?” he lurched forward angrily swinging a clubby stink fist at me.

I stepped back and dodged him with my youthful cat like reflexes. He threw another punch and I dropped below it pummeling his belly with eight rapid fire punches to the gut that left him stumbling and gasping for air. “You better start prayin’ to me if you hope to walk away from here you old coon bastard (sorry he kind of started it)”

His eyes grew large and white and an eerie wind began to blow. His beard caught in the breeze and the sky filled with dark clouds. The sound of thunder rolled across the sky and all sound seemed to cease with the exception of a low growl coming from behind his clenched rotting teeth. It was a stand off, I stood there in my batman t-shirt and my acid wash denim shorts facing down the lord and savior of earth! But I wasn’t afraid I was tuff stuff (that’s what my shorts said anyway).

“Boy you gone and done it now, you have enticed the wrath of God hisself, now I’m gonna have to come down on-“

I threw a rock at his head and then he fell down screaming.

I stood over him at that moment squinting in the bright of the setting sun, “When I say “fuck you” to god my friend, you better damn well know I mean it”. He turned to face me trembling with fear, his hands raised over his face. “Please don’t hurt me!” He cackled, “Oh pluuu-eeeze don hurt me no more, I had enough, you are tuff, you are TUFF-er than god. I beg for your mercy!!” At this point a bunch of angels had appeared on the roof of the church above and began shouting and haltingly hurling halos at me.

I said “No god, this ends now!!” (Dodging halos) I lifted him up by the collar and I held him before me just about to break his neck but then his breath made me throw up and I ran home crying (still dodging halos).

Then I looked at pictures of Cindy Crawford and hung out with the ninja turtles and fell asleep.

No one to this day ever knew of this dramatic occurrence. I kept it even from my closest friends. I used to be too afraid to tell any one about it afraid that I would be shamed or rejected but I decided to come clean and tell my tale…consequences be damned.

Sure I beat up god, but in this life we are all brothers and deep down under our skin we are all just human beings and a human being can make a mistake. Now I don’t believe in god but I do believe in feelings, so God if you’re listening I’m sorry. That was messed up. I was living in a “teenage wasteland” and I took it out on you and it wasn’t your fault.

I’m also sorry I called you a coon but you started it.

Sincerely,

James Jajac